A Brush-off

Also known as being ditched by someone or getting blown off, being given the brush-off will be next known as being given the top, as in the top of a bottle or something like it. This new expression I made up for the English language comes from Portuguese and is very useful for joke making as you will see as we continue.

I normally, by now, present the downsides of the subject, but in this case they are kind of obvious, and though sometimes we are given the top, just to see how we react, being disliked, mostly, speaks for itself! I normally react with smoothness but yesterday after a professionally conducted flirt and seeming to go very well, I was given a phone number top! I was shocked! I am already sending an agent on the field to report the damage and to brief me in on the situation!

This Portuguese expression is very useful in a way that we can give someone the brush-off discreetly by opening a bottle and giving her the top, she understands that I might be committed or maybe just not in the mood, which in my case never happens!

In order to present this bright side, I will reveal a thought that I came up with a few months ago and posted it on my personal blog: "O amor é como as promoções da Coca-Cola, colecciona-se as tampas e depois acabamos por ter um prémio!" (“Love is just like the Coca-Cola contests, you collect the tops and in the end you'll get a prize"). This is true, you have to get ditched a few times in order to appreciate the other person, if it comes too easy you will not give it the same credit, it raises the interest.

And the top-notch message for today is... Give some tops, give some Love!

Christmas

I wasn’t going to, but I had to do it, I had to present a bright side on Christmas and even though this season is not very dark, at least not as dark as Easter when we celebrate three days after the guy’s death, I think there are many things that are not sincere and honest and funny. Let’s take for instance that old guy in beards, created by a company that sells coke, and I’m not talking about Super Dragões, I mean “Coca-Cola”. He dresses red, has beard, a hat and he likes to have children sitting on his lap. I’m not trying to say he’s a paedophile, but he would be in serious trouble here in Portugal.

Furthermore, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, son of a single mother that was living with a middle age guy who worked as a carpenter. Not much of a steady life, they had nowhere to live and she gave birth in a cavern. Seriously, what was there to celebrate? And what the hell is it with those there Wiseman, if they were that wise they wouldn’t need a star to guide them to Bethlehem, they would know how to get there.

Another issue most people claim as a downside of this season is consumerism, the idea that it is all about spending money and ostentation. I must agree that we suffer a bit of peer pressure to buy presents, but we all get kind of nice and sweet on these days, we all want to give and share. We make all efforts to be with our family and loved ones, that is why we want to give. And we also give because we want to receive!

In spite of all this weird things, Christmas like everything else in the world, has a bright side and that is of course the presents. Not much to say about it, just that we all, and I really mean all, of us like to receive them. It is something like honey, we all like honey, and we all like receiving presents.

And I present the bright side by saying... Xma’lize for presents!

Cold

Not the weather this time, just the illness. I'm with one actually and the best way of knowing something really sucks is by experiencing it, just like listening to a song from Delfins! (amazing how I kept myself from making a joke about them all this time)

Though I think it's evolving to a flu this cold is getting on my nerves. For starters I have to carry paper tissues all the time, I sneeze, wear loads of clothes so that I'm not cold, I sneeze, be in bed so I don't get worse, and worst of all I sneeze! I've had it but paracetamol makes me sleepy and I like staying in bed and...

I'm sorry! I fell asleep! I don't know how that happened, it must have been the parac...

Damm! That happened again, it seems as if I was seeing a Manuel De Oliveira film! Seriously, I promisse it will not happen again, it is to stupid to be writing and sl...

Alright, I've slept for a while now and I am wide awake, so I can now finish this by telling you, nothing new, it sucks to have a flu! It rhymes and is true!

The bright thing is that besides being really good for rhymes, this situation has the benefit of providing us the rest we deserve. We all (say we) work or study a lot and we need some rest, sometimes it is good to have a cold and just lay down in bed all day, being spoiled and doing nothing!

So the bright cold message for today is... rest in the flu!

Chinese people

Before talking about the economical invaders, I have to say thank you and I'm sorry! I'm Sorry I've been out all this time and thank you for keep visiting!

For long these yellow smiley imigrants (this is not a dark joke, just a yellow one!Damm I'm evil!) have been invading every country on earth destroying our good quality crapy stuff with their crapy crap!!

Though the biggest problem is not them coming here, but us buying their goods (this is just an expression!), I feel like they are invading our space, making us buy things we don't need, things we don't want and things we find cute! All these things are... wait... stop... this is stupid! This text does not make any sense! A while ago I despised racism and now I'm being racist?! It has to be stoped now!

Before stoping at all I have to present a bright side, wich in this case is simply that if it weren't for those guys from China big companies wouldn't be forced to drop their prices!

So, the economical message for today is... Let China in

Racism

This is a subject most avoided by everyone and you already know I love to talk about subjects everyone avoids, but this is a special one; this is something that we all despise and censure. I don’t like censorship so I will find something bright about it, like the Thriller in Michael Jackson. (It has started: the first Black or White joke!)

Now seriously, it is weird when people that suffer from racism fight it by becoming racist and diminishing their own race and beliefs. Changing the colour of his face only made it worse, it was not the solution, only an insult to the African-American traditions! The only thing good that it served was to confuse the already brain-damaged guys from the Klu Klux Klan, it left them thinking the same thing black people thought: “Hum…shouldn’t we kill this guy!?”, and it was so confusing that no one did, not even O. J.!

Leaving Michael Jackson aside (just like he did to his music), racism still lives on and, unfortunately, will continue to exist, though it might not be so common and strong. When I speak of racism, I don’t just mean White people discriminating Black, I mean all types of racism, against White people, Black, Chinese, Indian, sick people (they change colour too), whatever colour they are!

The white, I mean bright side of it is that I am actually glad that some people are racist, seriously, it makes me feel so smart and intelligent, because it does not take much brain activity to know that despite someone’s skin colour, what really maters is their attitude, their will, their wit and resiliency, what’s inside.

And the bright coloured message of today belongs to… Be a racist, make me clever!

War

We can all agree that killing people is bad, except for George Bush, of course. And there isn’t much to say about it, we just turn on our TV and watch the headlines talking about war here and there and about to start over there, but do we really get a glimpse of the truth? This is a trick question because we only see what the media want us to see; fortunately we don’t get it live on our window, unfortunately, if you live next to the TVI building or the white house or something stupid like that.

But what is war? When I think of it, I realize that we start cold wars on our everyday life, whether it’s with our lover, our parents, our colleagues at work or even our friends. People need war just as monkeys need bananas. (Ah! Great José Cid!). As a friend and visitor of this blog, Verita, used to say “War without blood is sex”, I don’t quite agree because sometimes sex has blood, just look at that Marilyn Manson video for “Heart Shaped Glasses”, bloody fucking driving her crazy! Speaking of music, War (also) inspired a Portuguese band that has been performing all around the world for soldiers, inspiring them to fight for their beliefs or just for the sake of shooting up people. That band is Kalashnikov, with songs like “Tiananmen Tiananmen (Kill Another Yellow Man)” or “Warriors Of The Hezbollah “, this War Time Rock n’ Roll band has been raising hell wherever there is war.

But even war has a bright side, and I don’t mean when a grenade blows up in front of you, I mean a real bright side, something useful. We all have been in a situation where we meet someone and we don’t really know what more to say, and some war, somewhere, in a remote part of the world is always the best topic to unlock the moment. We know for sure that there is always something to say and everyone gets the news that there is a war happening and you can have a moment to shine and say something smart. Of course, if you’re a guy and want to score a girl, you better stick to that “So…do you like kids? Actually I can make them, you know!?”. It is better not to enter in a war topic, just stick to being funny.

So...the bloody message for today is... Fight for conversation!

Globalization

I missed a political post! These optimisms are the ones that really take out the inner pseudo-honest-politic inside of me! Actually, on this subject I don’t have a solid opinion, I just think it isn’t very good though it is necessary. And why do I feel that it is mostly necessary? I will tell you in the end, as always, and show you the brightest side on this subject.

Firstly I must say that we do have to focus on the McDonalds’ spreading and the fact that it actually destroys local commerce and small town businesses. And this fast food chain is spreading very fast, contaminating the world with its food and chemically delicious fries, intoxicating our children with their obnoxious hamburgers they proudly say that are natural. Who am I to doubt is the question, and the answer is easy; someone who has tried them and felt it! As for the small town businesses, I do have to call upon Pearl Jam when they said “I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate / Perhaps that's what no one wants to see” and say that this is a straw trying to bend the tendency of the rich being richer and the poor being poorer. It is the last redoubt of middle class.

Another issue is that most people do not realize this, but Portugal was really the pioneer of globalization, when about five hundred years ago we started exploring the world, killing Indians, native Brazilians and basically lying to them by saying if they don’t believed in our God they would dye unhappy and would not go to heaven. Also, we had to rape their women, Portuguese girls were already becoming dull and the ones from Brazil had better buttocks. We always liked to explore new things, even in sex.

But now here comes the brightest side of all sides ever sided on globalization, even brighter than Brazilian right sided buttocks: the fact that it allows us to have access to the good things other countries have; and by this I mean the acqua vitae, the water of life, Whiskey! And also the good old strong Vodka from Russia! I rest my case!

So, and the global message for today is... globalize for whiskey!

Traffic lights

This might just sound really stupid and I know it is, still I think I should talk about it. They’re one of those stupid traffic laws that everybody hates. Not like those BUS lanes, one of the best inventions ever, they weren’t made for buses, they were made for people like me. Because no one uses them, leaving it free for me! It’s great! Back to the subject, they say traffic lights were invented to help traffic circulate better, but that’s not true, they were made to annoy us. They always switch to red when we are closing in on them, except sometimes when they have to turn red for another guy and I am lucky enough to see the green! You might talk about a thing called pedestrians or something, those guys that walk right in front of us when we are on a hurry, what’s up with those guys, can’t they just buy a car!? I might seem selfish and egocentric, (and this only shows how transparent I am, which is a good thing, right? No? I guess it is…) but roads were made for cars, not people, or pedestrians or whatever you want to call it

And basically, as always those lighty things have a bright side! As I said we are always in a hurry, and do we really get a chance to look at our surroundings? We do live in a beautiful world, and so, next time you stop at a traffic light; look around, you have time to take notice of the little things, and as they say, it’s the little things that matter!

And the Oscar for today’s message goes to...stopping at traffic lights!

Smokers

Those polluters who only contribute to the intoxication of our planet and our lungs! I know it’s a pleasure, I smoke too, but as an ecological hypocrite, I’m against smoking! You might be calling me mad and stupid, but is true.

Now everyone cares about the environment, but what do we actually do about it? Nothing, I say. We all say that cars should pollute less but we expect the manufacturers to create better cars, instead of avoiding the sometimes useless use of our cars. I speak for myself, and I might say for most of you, because we could take a public transport for work, we could buy ourselves a Hybrid car, but no, we have to take our brand new Turbo Diesel Common Rail XPTO car that pollutes more in one mile than a whole packet of cigarettes!Back to smoking, it’s just bad for everyone’s health, though active smokers’ lungs are kind enough to filter most part of the smoke, passive smokers also get it in their face. As a non-addicted smoker I try to respect everyone around me and avoid intoxicating them, in restaurants, stadiums, small closed spaces, near children and all that stuff.

But we smokers have a good thing, I like to call it our bright smoked side, which is that when we smoke we are contributing a huge amount of taxes to our country, we are being patriotic, we are doing a great benefit to everyone.
And, therefore the message for today is... Smoke for your country!

Umbrella (or umbarella-eh-eh)

It’s something completely useless! It’s supposed to protect you from the rain, but it doesn’t! Whenever you take it with you, the day suddenly becomes sunny. Whenever your forget it at home, it starts raining cats and dogs, sometimes literally! Besides, on the few times you actually get it right and take it with you in the rain, the rain is too heavy and the wind ends up destroying it. It’s one of the worst inventions on earth!

The sick part isn’t this. The worst of all is that this useless object served theme for one of the worst songs ever made. I heard recently that the author of the song actually intended it to be sung by Britney Spears who actually refused it, leaving the author no choice but to offer it to Rihanna. Between these two, I don’t who would have been worse, but Rihanna’s version is really obnoxious. The sad thing is that this little girl from Barbados doesn’t even know how to say it right; she says something like 'umbarella'.

It’s really hard to find a good side of this worthless object (and now I’m not talking about Rihanna’s CD, it’s really the umbrella), but I did, as always. Have you ever seen an old lady fight back on a burglar? In films, old ladies always carry an umbrella for protection, even in the summer; they are the elders’ AK-47. So, try not losing your umbrellas, because they never show up and they might be useful in the future. People always lose umbrellas but never find them, I’ve been wondering who’s been stealing mines! So and the message for today is... Stock up umbrellas for your life in retirement!

Working

One whole year hearing your boss nagging about everything, listening to your boring colleagues talking about their wife’s and kids, getting paid one third of what you think you should get and the list could really continue. But let’s just stick to the point that working sucks. Unless of course your one of those two per cent of workers who really do what they always dreamt and are happy with it, for those, please ignore the next few lines because they’re not directed at you. Sometimes, for some milliseconds, I do really envy those African guys in Somalia that do nothing all day except for expecting help from UN. Not having to wake up early in the morning, catch half an hour or more of traffic, or for some people having to bear the smell of body odour in the Underground or Bus, eating trash for lunch and not caring about work at all are dreams I do have. I might seem a bit silly but it is true that sometimes I’m really fed up with work.
Luckily, as everything, there’s a bright side of it, Holidays, that time of year where even the traffic when going to the beach seems bearable. Time to rest or party, sleep or going out, beach or mountain, almost everyone deserves it and enjoys it!
So, today’s motto is...work for your holidays, not on your holidays!

Americans (the stupid ones)

The reason for writing about 95% of the American population is that I'm now in the toilet and normally that makes me think of them! I wonder why! Pardon me for the sincerity but it really annoys me watching those actions, such as the Kyoto protocol signing or the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. And if it was only the government's fault it would be easy, but the problem lies also on their voters and supporters. A lot more could be said about their politics and crimes but you already know them!
And here comes the treat, the fact is that some of those other 5% write scripts for TV comedies such as the Simpsons or Family Guy or American Dad! And luckily for us we have great moments of fun and laugh thanks to their stupidity!
And so you can guess today's message... Let Americans be stupid and laugh!

Workaholics

Those annoying guys that are always working, not because they are more competent then us, no, is just that they are too slow. People only become workaholics because they are incompetent, they actually need fifty percent more time then us to get their job done. Worst of all, their bosses think they are the best in the world because they work in the evening, even though they do nothing during the day! As for a freelancer, that is a different story, those are just greedy! But as all of them make everyone feel incompetent - and as you might have already have figured - there is a good side of it, not for them, but for the others.
And if you include yourself in the workaholics, you might as well be very well screwed. Now I am going to enlighten those who only work the time they’re supposed to! Yes, you can actually screw up and get out of it easily! Blame the workaholic, it is easy, just tell your boss that he did it, it’s normal, he’s been working too much. Besides, if they allegedly do work more, the probability of making mistakes his higher. Moreover, they are too sleepy to be pissed at you and wont even notice you blame it on them. It might not be fair, but as a friend of mine used to say, work is a jungle and you either eat or get eaten.
And of course today’s message is... Let the others work!

Strikers

One might say they fight for their rights, but is that what really happens? The answer is obviously “NO”; the only thing they seek is not working. Today a European Summit was held here in my town, and as the summit was on working and working legislation, there was protest held on by the syndicates. Twenty thousand people protesting and I, as the dreamer I am, dreamt of those twenty thousand people working, producing, doing something useful and actually doing something instead of walking with flags and chanting. Besides, they were even occupying the main streets, blocking the way for those who really wanted to work.
But hey, not everything is bad, if you take a better look, you notice that by them missing work, their colleagues have to do something their not used to do, and that is working the full time. Confused? I’ll help you, take a look at a normal worker; he has to present himself at work at time, and for that means getting 20 minutes later, then after a while he has to make his morning stop for coffee or otherwise he cannot focus on his work, a few moments later he talks to someone on the phone and takes the chance to ask how his wife and kids and dogs are doing, after that he calls his wife to ask what’s for lunch. And this is only in the morning. When the company has only half of its staff this worker has to work the double, this means working the full time. Hopefully, he will get used to actually work and teach that to his striker colleague.
Who would tell that strikers could improve their companies’ productivity by striking? I bet you weren’t expecting that were you? And you would think that there was not anything good in striking except for missing work. Now you do have a good reason for striking, in fact, I’m thinking of striking tomorrow just to improve my company’s productivity!
And for that, today’s message is... Strike for productivity!

Portugal

As you all might have found out, or not, I’m Portuguese, more precisely from Guimarães, also known as the Portuguese cradle, where it all began. And everyone who lives here knows for sure that we are the worst country in Europe. And all of you that are not Portuguese may ask why, as we have great beaches, bitches, weather, women, men and food. But in order for you to have that, we have to bust our asses to work as you relax and order another whiskey and earn one third of what you earn. And now you ask why the hell do we still live here, and that is easy to answer, because we are in fact PORTUGUESES, and that means to love our country no matter how bad it may sound, and just for that it makes it a pleasure to live here! And now a Portuguese hip hopper or MC may say that I shouldn’t be writing in English and that I’m a sell out and other stuff, and I say with great pleasure that another bright thing about us (yes, Portugal is so good that has two bright sides!), is that we are a true free country, and therefore I’m entitled to write in English because it’s the language I feel most comfortable to write!
So, this is today’s message... Portugal!

Drivers

Ah! Those dirty little bastards, always with their cars and motorcycles and trucks, funny type of people, which I actually include myself in. As drivers, we’re all sure of one thing, we’re the best fucking drivers in the world! "Who?! Schumacher!? I’d beat him in the first mile!" If I had a penny for every time I heard that sentence...I’d still be broke, but you got the point.
Have you noticed that all the other drivers suck!? Always making mistakes, not signalling their turns, always going slow when you’re late, and the list is infinite! Besides, it stresses up our day soon in the morning by having to yell to them as soon as we get in the car!
But when you think of it, they might be the cause for the absence of wars in Portugal, and the way we drive is causing more peace than Cavaco Silva! Just look, what better way to relief our stress than yelling and complaining? If we do that in traffic, we don’t get to work so mad because we have already discharged all our anger in the dumb-ass from the office next door that everyday takes our parking spot! All that inside your car without him even hearing you! That way, people get to their offices and parliament more peaceful instead of just throwing a stapler to the guy in the desk in front of you, or the guy from the other party, even though he is Marques Mendes and deserves it!
So, today’s message... Drive for Peace!

Life

For starters, I would like to mention something that inspired me for this, Monty Python’s point of view on Life, in their song “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life”. And they do make quite an effort to present their point of view, but still I think it’s not enough, and so I would like to reinforce it. They forgot the one thing everyone that has experimented enjoys, sex! I know there are a whole lot of things that we all like, such as family and friends and spending good times, but what do we all really like, what do we all crave, what do we all get crazy when we don’t get it? Sex, it’s as simple as that!
So, what is today’s message? Get a life, get laid!